Feelings

All feelings are valid but feelings aren’t facts..pngHaving a healthy relationship with your emotions is hard. Like, really hard. They can be erratic and irrational and seem to be our driving force. Other times we try to control and suppress them. Finding a healthy balance between the two extremes – emotions controlling me and me controlling emotions – is hard… and often exhausting!

Our feelings are valid. We have been given emotions so our body can communicate with us. If we feel fearful, we know to look for safety. If we feel guilt, we are motivated to make amends for a wrong we have caused. If we feel happy, we can enjoy blessing and rejoice. If we allow ourselves to feel emotions as they come, we can stop trying to control them.

On the other hand, feelings are not facts and we do not have to be at their mercy. Feelings are not fact, they internal responses. A fact is a thing that is known or proved to be true. It is objective and outside of ourselves. In order that feelings don’t control us, can allow ourselves to feel what we feel but remain able to check the facts.

All feelings are valid but feelings aren’t fact.

Self-Compassion

Compassion is to “suffer with” someone; showing kindness, empathy and understanding. Self-Compassion is when we extend that same kindness & empathy to ourselves when we are suffering. It is acknowledging that “this is really hard right now” and giving yourself permission to feel & seek comfort.

One way that I practice self-compassion in the midst of illness & suffering is to take some slow, deep breaths and say to myself,

“May I know peace,

May I know love,

May I know joy,

May I know grace,

May I know forgiveness,

May I know acceptance.”

All these mercies, God lavishes upon us through the love of Jesus. So, when showing kindness to myself seems impossible, I can remember how God looks at me and my suffering. I accept His compassion and extend it to myself. As a result, it can lower distress and increase my emotional well-being.

Why don’t you give it a go today?

Spoonie Tales: Enough

You know you live with chronic illness when you spend the evening convincing yourself that having a shower and washing the dishes today was enough.

It wasn’t a wasted day.
I’m not a waste of space.
I’m not lazy.
I did my best.
I’m not worthless.
It’s okay to rest.
Be kind to myself.
My worth is not based on what I do or do not do.
Today was enough.
I am enough.

Do I believe it yet?

Bad Mental Health Day

Some days are better than others. Some days feel like an impossibility to get through – you’re sapped of energy, of purpose, of initiative, of drive and of hope. You don’t know if tomorrow will be harder or easier, so you do your best to look after yourself as time slowly passes by. That’s depression.

Self Compassion Henry

Henry has learnt how to be an expert at self compassion; choosing to ignoring the internal and external critics and instead, showing himself kindness, grace and acceptance.

We are constantly being compared and comparing ourselves to others. We see our sufferings as weakness. We see mistakes as failures and our illnesses as brokenness. We are constantly believing we are not good enough. I call bull-crap. They’re LIES! All lies.

To endure suffering is strength, to feel emotions makes us human, to persevere makes us strong and to measure ourselves up to no one but ourselves is freedom. The reality is that crap that is out of our control happens all the time. We all have bad, hard, painful and unbearable seasons in life. So instead of beating yourself up (or allowing others to do it for you), remind yourself; you’re doing the best you can, emotions are okay, you’re not perfect (and that’s not only alright, but what makes you human) and that you’re pretty, freaking amazing.

Begin practicing self compassion by putting your hand over your heart and saying to yourself, “may I know kindness. May I know grace. May I know happiness. May I be at peace. May I be at rest. May I know love. May I know empathy. May I show myself compassion.” Or “I am suffering. I am being kind to myself and giving myself permission to feel whatever emotions I am experiencing.

Be like Henry, learn the skill of self compassion. Be kind to yourself and stop beating yourself up! Self-compassion has been a life changing skill for Henry as he manages depression and FND.


Spiritual reflection

For those who believe in God, remember he is a compassionate God, who continually shows compassion to his people.

Is. 49:3 – Shout for joy, you heavens; rejoice, you earth; burst into song, you mountains! For the LORD comforts his people and will have compassion on his afflicted ones.

Jesus is the perfect example of this… oh, and we are also made in His image and are called to imitate His character.

Col. 3:12 – Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.

So, let’s follow God and show compassion to everyone, including ourselves.


Some more information/resources on the concept of self-compassion:

Fun Fact: Hospital Disharge

‘Fun’ Fact: when you are discharged from hospital, they don’t expect you to leave “well” and ready to fully engage in normal life, as it was before you were unwell. They wait until you’ve made a change in direction, lasting a few days to show you’re moving toward wellness.

I was so surprised when my Psychiatrist told me that’s how it is. So, I leave the psychiatric hospital, returning home tomorrow and I am excited, thrilled and a little bit apprehensive. I’m feeling better than I was 5 weeks ago, but I am not where you may expect me to be in my recovery – I am not yet “well.” The real test will see how I am going in 6 months time.

If someone you love is being discharged from hospital, they need your love and support to adjust back into life, slowly. Realise they’ve just left a safe, regulated environment, where they didn’t have to cook, clean or work. Leaving can be scary.

So maybe offer to clean their toilet, cook a meal, do some dishes, a load of washing or bring over some groceries. Be a legend.

Remember there will be more good days than before, but don’t be surprised when their are bad ones. Remember that and be a legend.

Be patient, be kind, be empathetic, be thoughtful, be compassionate – show love and genuine care. Be a legend! It will be worth it as you see your loved one become more and more ‘themselves’ again.

So, please, be a legend and lower your expectations. They’re still ‘getting better,’ just in a different environment, at home, hopefully with lots of love.

TMS: The Treatment For Depression You Haven’t Heard Of

One million people in Australia have depression, two million have anxiety, and many have both.

Most individuals who seek treatment for depression recover. Because our brain is continually being moulded and has an incredible capacity to change, psychotherapy (talk therapy) is a proven and effective treatment. As we change our thoughts and behaviours, over time our feelings start to change too. Some people need medication to give their brain a bit of help while they go through the process. The good news is, in Australia 3/4 of those who see a GP for mental illness make a full recovery.

But for some people, like me, medications and talk therapy just aren’t enough. I’ve had depression for sixteen years, seen more counsellors/psychologists that I can count since and have been on medication for over eight years. The medication helps and a lifetime of talk therapy has meant I am high-functioning – I’m not a particularly negative person – I regularly practice mindfulness and have a plethora of strategies that I use in my everyday life… But despite all this, I still struggle with a chronically depressed mood, called dysthymia and recurrent Major Depressive Episodes, which means I go through stages of Double Depression. In a way, I thought I was destined to be depressed

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…until about nine months ago, when I heard about a treatment for chronic/medication-resistant depression called Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation (or TMS). So I started researching about this treatment that was foreign to me – what is TMS? Was I eligible to try it? How could I access the treatment? What are the side effects? How effective is it?

What is TMS?

The way I understand it, is that it is similar to ECT in the sense it uses an external source – in this case, a coil that repeatedly emits a magnetic field – to stimulate brain activity. Unlike ECT, it does not require aesthetic, cause a seizure and doesn’t have the cognitive side effects.

The magnet at the centre of the coil taps very fast on a specific point on my head – for me, it’s 40 taps in about 7 seconds, repeated 125 times on the left side. It takes 41 minutes. There will be a blue/purple spot permanently on my head while I’m undergoing my first treatment.

As it taps, the magnet stimulates the nerves in the frontal cortex, which is the part of the pain in charge of our logical thinking. The hope is to minimise the effects of depression by stimulating these nerves and increasing blood flow in that area of the brain.

Who eligible for TMS?

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TMS is for people with medication-resistant depression (yup! That’s me!) or those who are unable to take anti-depressants.

However, it’s not recommended or suitable for those diagnosed with epilepsy, have had a stroke, are pregnant or have implants that would be affected by a magnetic field, such as surgical clips, cardiac pacemakers, implanted medication pumps.

How do you access TMS?

Unfortunately, in Australia TMS does not have Medicare number (yet) and it needs to be applied consecutively for a prescribed number of days – which means you have to undergo TMS as an inpatient.

The best way to access TMS in Australia is to find a hospital that offers it as a treatment, make an appointment with a psychiatrist who has admittance rights and does TMS and ensure you have private health insurance with psychiatric hospital cover.

Although it can be inconvenient to take time off from work and/or away from home, most hospitals also offer group therapy, education, access to allied health professionals, art therapy and lifestyle advice. This holistic approach has proven effective and is a vital part of recovery for the patients who participate and take advantages of all the treatment options available while undergoing TMS.

How effective is it and what are the side effects?

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When I was looking at all my options with my psychiatrist my conclusion is this: it may work, but it is just as likely not to work – it seems like a 50/50 gamble. Statistically, it’s not as effective as ECT and there is no way of telling how a person will respond to the treatment until they try it.

However, it has far fewer risks and side effects than ECT or going through another medication change. The only side effects are tiredness and in some cases, a headache. Yep – that’s it! And it has made me very sleepy!
For me then, the only risk is a financial one, but three weeks in a hospital, undergoing group therapy and focusing on my health would be good for me, even if the TMS didn’t work. So, I have approached the treatment optimistic, but without expectation.

Unfortunately, it isn’t a permanent treatment, but I’ve been speaking to many others who have said TMS changed their lives and have been more than willing to return for their ‘top ups.’

Sooooo…

…here I am. I’ve been prescribed 20 TMS treatments, one a day and in-between number 14 and 15. Three days ago I noticed a difference – for the first time in my life, I feel like I have a choice and safe in my head.

The best way I can describe the change in my mind is;

what had always felt like a dark, dense, damp forest with a narrow path and dangerous creatures waiting behind every tree to attack,

now it feels like a spacious, open, colourful meadow on a cloudless day with the freedom to go wherever I want, without fear.

And I am only 3/4 of the way through. I still have six treatments left – Praise God!

I confess, I’m a little upset I’ll have to keep my private health insurance (it’s not cheap). However, it’s a small price to pay for a treatment that has the potential to greatly increase my quality of life.

So, I’m going to embrace this new addition to my life and continue to Praise God for His goodness and perfect plan.

‘Destined’ to be Depressed

The Problem with Dysthymia (or Persistent/Chronic Depressive Disorder)

Dysthymia isn’t a word most people hear, even for those with a chronic depression diagnosis. According to the DSM-V, Dysthymia (or PDD/Persistent Depressive Disorder) is a mood disorder where you experience a low-level depression that lasts for at least two years.

If you’re like me, depression is normal. When I reached high school and started to make genuine friends, I was shocked to learn that deep down, most people didn’t want to die. I was amazed that most other people didn’t cringe at the thought of spending another 40, 50, 60 years stuck in your body, living with yourself. But not only was that not normal; it wasn’t healthy.

Depression runs in my family, on both sides, so I knew I had depression. Unfortunately 15 years ago, no one would diagnose or medicate a teenager, let alone a child. But as an adult, I’ve tried every treatment for depression under the sun and when nothing seems to ‘fix you,’ it’s easy to start thinking ‘maybe I was destined to be depressed.’

The problem with Dysthymia is…

…that it is exhausting and relentless.

Medication and psychotherapy improve symptoms but doesn’t relieve them. You don’t get a chance to ‘relapse’ because you were never really in recovery. Hopelessness is hard to fight against when depression is relentless and its core is pessimism, sorrow, apathy, agitation, emptiness, lethargy and self-hatred. Compound that with never getting a break. That hobby you love can only placate you for a few hours (at the most). That movie will only distract you for minutes.

It feels like no matter how hard you try, there is no escape route. Imagine the person who annoys you the most, that person whose company only agitates and shatters you. Imagine never being able to get a minute away from that person, because it’s you.

Getting out of bed often feels like I’ve exerted the same amount of energy as you would at a gym session. The motivation to make healthy choices and maintain personal hygiene is arduous. The mental and emotional preparation needed to participate in activities just wipes me out. It never ends. It is exhausting.

…that it has nothing to do with life circumstances.

It was day 2 of my honeymoon when I texted my mum, “I love my job, I love what I am studying and I’ve just married the man I love, but I am still depressed.“

I was shocked as I sent it. Why can’t I just be ‘happy’?

When you have dysthymia, you can’t honestly answer ‘good’ when someone asks how you are, even if your circumstances are ‘good’ and stress-free. This only compounds the hopelessness, adds to the sadness and intensifies to the guilt. You can see the good things happening around you. You can appreciate the beautiful people in your life. You want to enjoy the things everyone else does… but you can’t.

…the preference to die.

How ungrateful! You should be thankful you are alive. Life is a precious gift. There are plenty of people who have it worse. Your life isn’t that bad.

All of these things are true. Logically I understand it, but emotionally? I just can’t. I’m not suicidal; I won’t kill myself, nor do I have the plan to do so – but all I want is to escape myself and for the depression to end. If a bus ran over me, I’d be okay with it. If someone told me that I had 24 hours to live, I think I would dance. Often the thought of living another ten years is overwhelming, let alone 50 or 60.

Expressing these thoughts and feelings can mean future, legitimate suicidal ideations appear fake or a cry for attention (rather than genuine help). To say, "I wish I were dead,” is not a lie. Unfortunately, most people cannot distinguish genuinely suicidal thoughts from a less extreme preference to die.

…it’s so easy to hide.

When you’ve been depressed so long, it’s not only normal for you, but normal for those around you. People may not realise you’re depressed because that’s ‘just how you are,’ and it’s easier to be labelled a pessimist. If the symptoms are normal and treatments haven’t seemed to work, I think most people are less likely to seek extra help and support. If there appear to be no red flags to, well, flag – why bother, why waste my time and the doctors? It’s can be easier just to keep trotting away, as you have been, pretending everything is okay.

…the high rate of comorbidity.

Due to the chronic nature of dysthymia, it rarely stays at that ‘lower-level’ – enter Double Depression. Depression (Major Depressive Disorder) is episodic – it has a beginning and an end. Many who receive effective treatment only experience depression once and others relapse, but it ends. I believe this is why, in Australia, only ten sessions with a psychologist is covered under Medicare. Ten is often enough.

…treatment is as long term as the disease.

I’ve been taking medication since 2008, and I am likely to be taking it until the day I die. I have seen a string of counsellors, psychologists, psychiatrists and other mental health professionals since 1998. I will probably have to for the rest of my life.

Because our brains have the ability to adapt constantly, Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) is one of the most effective forms of treatment for all forms of depression. CBT is about thought monitoring: consciously catching, challenging and changing your thoughts. Over time, the way your brain processes information changes, your feelings follow and eventually this becomes the norm – welcome to recovery.

Thought monitoring is exhausting, but for me, it never ends. Despite nearly 20 years of CBT, my brain hasn’t quite been able to make it natural. So, if I want to manage my mood and maintain some control, I have to CONSTANTLY assess and monitor my thoughts so that I can challenge them. It’s the only way not to spiral into a dark pit when stress rears its ugly head. It’s the only way I can try to shorten and minimise the frequency and intensity of an episode of Double Depression.

Not only this, but long term depression can also trigger other health issues, like anxiety, side-effects from medication, chronic pain, chronic fatigue, tension headaches, IBS, TMJD, addiction, obesity and insomnia. Persistent depression is rarely ‘just’ dysthymia.

The good news is that you’re not alone.

Unfortunately, mental illness is common – 1 in 5 Australians will experience a mental illness in any given year. The good news is, this means that awareness is increasing and mutual support is easier to find. It means that everyday stigma decreases and a treatment becomes more accessible. Find comfort in the fact that you are not alone.

With the right support networks – GP, psychiatrist, psychologist, family and friends – I have become more aware of my mood and have finally learnt to manage it. Double depression is decreasing, as the depressive episodes get shorter. I’m learning to practice self-compassion, rather than guilt. Every day, it gets a little bit easier to exercise and convert my unhelpful thoughts to helpful thoughts. Hope shouts a little louder than hopelessness. The deeper my relationship with God becomes, my capacity to fully trust Him and have genuine hope for complete healing increases.

Exercise, forcing yourself out of bed every day, taking your medication regularly, contributing to your community, meeting with friends, prayer, participating in therapy and leisure activities are just a few thing prescribed to treat depression. Be patient and persevere – healing and developing healthy habits takes time. Be honest about how you’re feeling and coping with life. Follow the guidance and advice of health care professionals. Find people who understand and will show you compassion when you can’t show it to yourself.

If I can learn to manage it, so can you.