Self-Compassion

Compassion is to “suffer with” someone; showing kindness, empathy and understanding. Self-Compassion is when we extend that same kindness & empathy to ourselves when we are suffering. It is acknowledging that “this is really hard right now” and giving yourself permission to feel & seek comfort.

One way that I practice self-compassion in the midst of illness & suffering is to take some slow, deep breaths and say to myself,

“May I know peace,

May I know love,

May I know joy,

May I know grace,

May I know forgiveness,

May I know acceptance.”

All these mercies, God lavishes upon us through the love of Jesus. So, when showing kindness to myself seems impossible, I can remember how God looks at me and my suffering. I accept His compassion and extend it to myself. As a result, it can lower distress and increase my emotional well-being.

Why don’t you give it a go today?

Self Compassion Henry

Henry has learnt how to be an expert at self compassion; choosing to ignoring the internal and external critics and instead, showing himself kindness, grace and acceptance.

We are constantly being compared and comparing ourselves to others. We see our sufferings as weakness. We see mistakes as failures and our illnesses as brokenness. We are constantly believing we are not good enough. I call bull-crap. They’re LIES! All lies.

To endure suffering is strength, to feel emotions makes us human, to persevere makes us strong and to measure ourselves up to no one but ourselves is freedom. The reality is that crap that is out of our control happens all the time. We all have bad, hard, painful and unbearable seasons in life. So instead of beating yourself up (or allowing others to do it for you), remind yourself; you’re doing the best you can, emotions are okay, you’re not perfect (and that’s not only alright, but what makes you human) and that you’re pretty, freaking amazing.

Begin practicing self compassion by putting your hand over your heart and saying to yourself, “may I know kindness. May I know grace. May I know happiness. May I be at peace. May I be at rest. May I know love. May I know empathy. May I show myself compassion.” Or “I am suffering. I am being kind to myself and giving myself permission to feel whatever emotions I am experiencing.

Be like Henry, learn the skill of self compassion. Be kind to yourself and stop beating yourself up! Self-compassion has been a life changing skill for Henry as he manages depression and FND.


Spiritual reflection

For those who believe in God, remember he is a compassionate God, who continually shows compassion to his people.

Is. 49:3 – Shout for joy, you heavens; rejoice, you earth; burst into song, you mountains! For the LORD comforts his people and will have compassion on his afflicted ones.

Jesus is the perfect example of this… oh, and we are also made in His image and are called to imitate His character.

Col. 3:12 – Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.

So, let’s follow God and show compassion to everyone, including ourselves.


Some more information/resources on the concept of self-compassion:

Six Hidden Realities of Living with Chronic Pelvic Pain

First, a warning without apology: this is a TMI post, discussing six hidden and very uncomfortable aspects of the pelvic pain experience.

No one likes pain and no one can begin to comprehend the experience of chronic pain until you’ve been hit with it. It’s uncomfortable, frustrating, incurable, exhausting and life altering. The chronic pain train also drags behind it carriages filled with medication side effects, fatigue, painsomnia, specialist visits, unemployment, disability, isolation, poverty and mental illness.

But chronic pelvic pain, by its very nature and location, adds a new dimension of humiliation, shame, violation and stigma. Pelvic Pain can be caused by conditions such as Endometriosis, Adenomyosis, fibroids, scar tissue, PCOS, Ulcerative Colitis, miscarriage or ectopic pregnancy, Vestibulitis, Vaginismus, Vulvodynia, prolapse and poorly executed episiotomy stitches (yeah, there are a lot of reasons, and this isn’t an exhaustive list). In Australia, approximately 1 in 4 women between the ages of 16 and 24 have a long-term pelvic condition, while 1 in 12 men exhibit pelvic pain in the absence of a medical condition. So, in light of Pelvic Pain Awareness Month, here is a list of ‘hidden’ realities for women (and I’m sure men can relate too) that come with having chronic pelvic pain.

1. Your “Private Parts” Don’t Feel so Private

I don’t know any woman who likes getting a Pap-Smear or internal ultrasound; it’s awkward, uncomfortable and makes you feel vulnerable – but most of the time you have to do it if you want to maintain your good physical health. When going to the doctor with a pelvic pain complaint, they tend to examine the site of pain, some of this can happen by pressing on the abdomen, but a lot of it has to happen through an internal examination – yup, someone’s fingers poking and prodding in an already sore and tender vagina. Something which is supposed to be personal and private can suddenly gain a large audience in a small amount of time.

It was a sobering thought when I realised I have only had one sexual partner, yet I’ve lost count of the number of people (well, health professionals) who have put their fingers inside of me (charming, I know). 

2. Taboo

It’s fairly simple to explain that, “my knee is killing me because I’ve done my ACL,” “I have to stretch regularly because I have a slipped disk” or ”my left side is sore from a hip replacement.” Good luck trying to tell someone your cervix is cramping, that you have a stabbing pain stemming from your vagina, or that sharp pains are radiating from your clitoris without coming across crude, rude and totally inappropriate.

It’s not kosher to talk about your genitals, reproductive organs and sexual health. People don’t want to say the words and others want to hear them even less. It’s just too taboo. The problem is, when you bow down to stigma and stay silent, important issues go unspoken, unnecessary shame is projected and necessary medical treatment does unsought – and this is not okay. Everyone should be encouraged to seek medical advice for any persistent pain. Everyone should be given the basic human right of being heard when communicating their pain experience to others.

3. It Goes Undiagnosed and it’s Extremely Hard (and uncomfortable) to Treat

Referring back to the female reproductive system being a ‘taboo’ subject, I believe this is one of the reasons medical research in this area is lagging and why many GP’s are unaware of pelvic pain causing conditions. It’s also the reason why many suffer in silence, putting off seeking medical help and making the epidemic appear less severe than what it is.

But when someone finally decides to seek a diagnosis and treatment, it’s not a matter of having a blood test. The first step is usually an internal examination which is painful physically and can make one emotionally vulnerable. This can be true for teenagers, people who aren’t sexually active and especially true for those who have experienced sexual abuse/trauma. Treating the pelvic floor can be even harder for men, as the only way to directly and internally examine and treat a male with pelvic floor pain is through the anus.

Conditions like Endometriosis, Adenomyosis, fibroids and scar tissue find their most accurate diagnosis and effective treatment in surgery. For these and many more reasons, both men and women can spend years going from doctor to doctor, desperate for a diagnosis.

When you finally have a diagnosis, treatment can feel just as difficult, inconvenient, painful, distressing and violating. Once a medical condition has been treated, there is often residual muscle tension and nerves can become over sensitised to pain signals, which results in a Chronic Pain Syndrome in the pelvic region. The best treatment option I’ve found to reduce muscle tension, spasms and desensitise the nerves in the pelvis is seeing a specialised pelvic physiotherapy. Treatment from a Pelvic PT can include a pelvic remedial massage, the use of Vaginal Dilators and internal TENS unit). I have recently begun researching pelvic botox injections, and it seems to be having positive results.

My point is, managing any chronic illness and pain is difficult but trying to diagnose and treat pain in the pelvis has it’s own ‘special’ difficulties and frustrations.

4. Sex: a Painful Chore

Sex is meant to be pleasurable, bringing two people closer together physically, emotionally and relationally. However, it’s hard to enjoy sex, reaping its benefits in a relationship when it exacerbates pain. Some people experience pain during penetration due to a tight pelvic floor. For other women, any kind of sexual arousal and activity can cause a great deal of pain too. Others experience orgasms that, instead of bringing euphoria and a physical release that relaxes the body, turns each nerve ending of the pleasure centre into a vicious postman, delivering a package of pain to the rest of your body. In relation to women, the clitoris has over 8,000 sensory nerve endings (twice as many as men) which can affect up to 15,000 more nerve endings in the pelvic area. That means the pelvis is already a very sensitive area for women and when pain is involved, all those nerve endings act like speakers in a radio, elevating the sound of pain signals 

Bottomline, Pelvic Pain can make it hard to find any pleasure in sex at all – and that’s not fun at all!

5. It’s Rarely Localised

The pelvic floor is connected to muscles and ligaments that attach to the hips, groin, thighs, buttock and lower back. Therefore, pelvic pain is usually accompanied by pain in these areas. Sitting or lying in a position that alleviates pain from the pelvis usually can increase pain somewhere else in the body.

Pelvic pain can also have an impact on bladder and bowel functions. Irritable Bowel Syndrome and Internal Cystitis also piggyback on other conditions I’ve mentioned above. 

When a girl’s gotta go, she’s gotta go! If my bladder is full, pain increases. Many Pelvic Pain causing conditions results in painful urination, frequent UTI’s and incontinence – the embarrassment just keeps on keeping on. Until a few years ago, going to the toilet was agonising because I had a lump of scar tissue between my cervix and rectum. And the longer I left it, the worse it got, so I avoided drinking fluids and was constantly dehydrated. I still have times when I experience sharp bladder pain, so on occasions, I use the disabled toilets – it’s not because I’m rude, lazy or inconsiderate – it’s because I actually need to use the bathroom ASAP.

6. It’s Expensive

If a GP doesn’t have the expertise to properly diagnose and treat you, referrals are necessary for proper care. You can’t just see a general gynaecologist, you need someone who specialises in your medical condition. You can’t just see a physiotherapist, you have to see a physio who has specialised in treating the pelvic floor. If pelvic pain impacts your sexual relationships, seeing a relationship counsellor who has experience in sex therapy can also be an expensive necessity for the longevity of the relationship. Medical appointments are expensive, specialists are even more so.

Yeah… so, please remember that vagina, clitoris and anus aren’t ‘naughty words,’ they’re just nouns describing body parts that 50% & 100% of the population have.

If you are experiencing pelvic pain, you’re not alone, there are others who understand the emotional toll it takes. I hope you can find safe people with whom you can be vulnerable and speak honestly about your struggles and frustrations.

Haven’t got Pelvic Pain? Be a safe person for someone who does. I hope that when you meet people who have chronic pain you are kind and compassionate… and next time you speak with someone who has pelvic pain, I hope you can empathise with the extra burden it carries. We already struggle daily with shame, taboo and awkward-turtles that come with Pelvic Pain, please, be a legend, listen with an open mind, don’t judge, empathise and be kind.

Have I missed anything? Please share and contribute to the discussion if I have!

If you’d like more information on living with pelvic pain, here are a few websites with helpful information:
Pelvic Pain Foundation of Austalia
Pelvic Pain SA
Australian Pain Management Association
International Pelvic Pain Society

To My Newly Separated Self After My Illness Led to Divorce

Writing this was emotional and cathartic. Not yet had the guts to post this on personal pages – maybe one day.

To My Newly Separated Self After My Illness Led to Divorce

Two and a half years later, I’ve written the letter I wish I could have read when my marriage ended because of my chronic illnesses.

To my newly separated self,

It’s over. It’s actually over. The person you loved the most has gone. Your best friend abandoned you. The person who made you a lifelong promise of commitment “for better and for worse… in sickness and in health” in front of your friends and family has walked away. No more cuddles, no more sweet texts, no more dinner dates… just — gone.

Yes, it is unfair, and it is scary. I know you’re heartbroken, hurting, ashamed and grieving. I can still remember feeling as if my heart was being ripped out through my stomach. I know you’re hurt, scared of judgment and being alone…

… but please give yourself space to grieve. You had already lost so much, your body, your mind, your dreams for the future and now your partner. Loss of any kind is difficult to deal with, so allow yourself to grieve. Cry, binge on Netflix, burn your photos, buy some new clothes, change your hair, eat liters of ice cream, absorb yourself in a book or visit your best mate — do whatever you need to do to process the reality that the relationship is over. The only wrong way to mourn is to deny yourself of the right and necessity to grieve.

Know that your spouse wasn’t rejecting you, they were trying to escape the illness. I don’t say this to justify the broken promises, nor devalue your pain. I say it to discourage self-blame, self-hate guilt and shame, because it is not your fault. You didn’t get to choose to be healthy, but your spouse chose not to love you unconditionally or honor their commitment.

Please don’t isolate yourself — you are not alone. Many relationships in which one partner has a chronic illness break down. It feels easier to stay in bed and not face the world, but there are people in your life who care about you and want to offer support. Yes, yes, some people will always be ignorant, but many will surprise you, and you can learn to ignore the ignorance. Besides, those who have dismissed your illness in the past may finally understand how it has infiltrated every part of your life.

Allow others to show you compassion and how valuable you are. It will help fight against and disprove the lies that you are unlovable, worthless, damaged goods or alone. It will reflect how resilient you have become. When people reach out, don’t send them away and when people feel far away, ask for support.

Learn to accept and forgive. Unfortunately, we live in a broken world inhabited with broken people that have broken relationships. This sad reality means forgiveness is necessary, unless you desire to grow bitter. The spiritual and emotional freedom that comes from forgiveness will help you accept your new life and grieve. Forgiveness, freedom and acceptance are far better than being consumed by hatred.

So don’t lose hope. Instead, share your pain, fears, tears, tissues, Netflix subscription, and tubs Ben and Jerry’s. Remember to say to yourself, “I have a restored relationship with the powerful creator of the universe, and his faith gives me tangible hope. I am loved and resilient. It’s OK to grieve. I can forgive and persevere.”

Besides, now that you’re single, you no longer have to consider someone else in most decisions you make or shave your legs every week. You can eat the food you want, spend more time with friends, choose the TV channel and work toward regaining your independence. 

Know that you have the strength to grieve your previous life and accept this new one. Keep trucking on.

With care, compassion, empathy and love,

Your divorced self.

P.S. I don’t recommend looking at wedding photos too much — it’s not a fun time!

You’re *so* lucky!

Have you ever had the ‘joy’ of experiencing a conversation similar to this on a Sunday afternoon?
“What time do you start work tomorrow?”
“Ummm, I don’t work on Mondays.”
“ahhh, you’re so lucky!”

I lost count of the number of times I’ve had similar conversations. I understand that for most people not having to work on a Monday would be a gift, a luxury. But I don’t work Mondays, nor Wednesdays, Thursdays or Saturdays. Even the days I do work are only half days. I know many people would love to work only three days a week, but not me.

Many chronic illnesses can cause chronic fatigue, pain, vertigo, nausea, migraines, weak bladder or bowel, overwhelming sadness, debilitating anxiety, low immunity and muscle weakness. On top of the symptoms there is often pharmaceutical side effects; drowsiness, memory loss, reduced cognitive ability, excessive sweating, insomnia, anxiety, nausea, trouble breathing and heart palpitations, just to name a few.

If these symptoms and side effects can impact one’s ability to complete the simplest, everyday tasks, how much more can it minimise one’s capacity to maintain employment. If you have severe, chronic back pain, both manual labor and sitting for extended periods of time are not possible. If you have muscle weakness, you lose your ability to lift and hold things. If you’re always tired, your concentration lapses and therefore, productivity reduces. If you’re symptoms are sporadic, you may feel fine at 7 am, but by the time you leave for work an hour later you simply can’t. You have to call in sick last minute.

Personally, if I work more much more than 15 hours a week, my ability to do housework, study, exercise, cook healthily, socialise and participate in leisure activities decreases dramatically. Even then, 15 hours of work does not provide the income needed to live in Australia. Imagine adding the costs of doctors visits, tests, alternate therapies and medications to an already stretched budget. I can’t begin to imagine what I’d do with a full-time income.

I can only dream of a day when I may be able to have sustainable full-time work. If you have the capacity to a maintain full-time job and have managed to be employed full-time (which isn’t easy in itself), *you* are the lucky one. My full-time job is staying healthy and looking after my body. I don’t get paid for that. There is no financial gain. Instead, my job success relies on hiring a team of people to help and support me. It’s not cheap!

So, next time you are tempted to tell someone who doesn’t work full-time that they’re lucky because they don’t have to go into the office tomorrow, reconsider. Yes, maybe they do have the best job in the world, but maybe, just maybe, they don’t feel lucky. Maybe they would do almost anything to switch bodies and jobs with you because you are the lucky one.