28

42474831_291238521603866_8902079414775316480_n

Why,
    why does this day,
    that marks my introduction to this world
    elevate itself above all others?
I do wish,
    I wish this was reality –
    that when the clock strikes midnight
    on this day, life suddenly magical.
It’s as if,
    as if, suddenly, I am happy –
    as if, suddenly, I am glad to be alive –
    as if, suddenly, I don’t resent this day.
Why is today happy?
Why is today good?
Why must I celebrate the day I abhor?
If a birthday was going to help my mental illness – I would have been cured before it even started.

A Psalm: for Depression

Mighty God, Powerful Saviour;

My heart is breaking at its very core.
    When I look at the sinfulness and brokenness of this world,
    the injustice and hypocrisy –

    I just want to leave it all behind, forever.

My body is so tired and weary –
    every movement aches
    every motion is laborsome.
A knot sits in the pit of my stomach –
    I’m nauseous.
    I’ve stopped eating.
I wake during the night –

    my sleep is restless, fragmented.

My brain has turned against me –
    it has become my enemy.
    It has betrayed me,
    it is trying to kill me,
    it wants me to die –

I have no greater enemy than myself.

I am lost,
I am torn,
I am broken,
I am hurting, and

I feel stuck in the depths of this pit of despair.

But you, Lord, you hear my cry,
    you read my thoughts,
    you feel my pain, my anguish –
and you never abandon me,

    you never leave me alone in the mess.

Lord, please deliver me –
    rescue me from myself

    and the web of lies my brain has caught me in.

Lord, lift my soul from this darkness

    and bring me into your glorious light.

Lord, show me your loving kindness –
    your mercy and compassion.

Don’t leave me alone and abandoned in this lifeless pit.

Lord, please remind me
    of your glorious deeds
    and perfect promises

as you fulfil them every day.

I know the day of the Your return is near!
    But please protect and preserve me
    during these dark hours of the night,
that I may not be destroyed in my despair.

 

1517218932428.jpg

Watercolour cloud painted by Alexandra Ellen on 29.1.18

“When do you write and why?”

I write when I am overwhelmed with emotion. I often find myself burdened with depression, anger, disappointment, frustration, anxiety and physical pain. I suffer from severe, chronic pelvic pain caused by a medical condition called endometriosis. I also battle a complex mood disorder and have since I was a child. As such, emotions have been my main inspiration for creative writing since childhood. My feelings manifest within, as images and phrases; they then translate into lyrics, poetry or dramatic dialogue. It has helped me conquer self-harm and suicide. So, throughout my life creative writing has become one of my closest companions and a best friend to my physical and mental illnesses. I also write when I am filled with joy, sadly however, this doesn’t happen often. Essentially, I write when I am feeling emotional as it helps me cope with life by expressing, exploring and escaping my often overwhelming and painful reality.