First published on The Mighty.
If you’re thinking about marriage – you may be engaged, talking about engagement or fanaticising about marrying that beautiful man. Whatever your status is, seriously ask yourself, are you really ready to say “I do.”
After writing a letter to my newly divorced self I realised, at 20 years old, my fiancé had no idea what he was committing to. When he looked into my eyes, shaking with nerves and excitement as he said “I do,” he actually didn’t understand what “in sickness and in health” meant.
I was pretty healthy! I was studying full time and had two jobs. Yes, he knew about my struggle with depression and had cared for me through many chest and sinus infections. Even though he knew all that when he put a ring on it, he was not prepared for Chronic Pain, Endometriosis and PCOS. Really, who is?
When we married in November 2010 we were both pretty healthy. Sadly, the chronic pain from endometriosis had well and truly set in during my January period. We had barely been married two months and his promise to love me in sickness and health was already being tested.
What does in sickness and in health mean?
Sure, you’re both healthy now. You can run, go for strolls on the beach, have a 10 pin bowling date, have painless sex and ready to stick by your partner for better and worse. But…
Are you willing to take an income hit when if they can’t work full time?
Are you willing to use days off to drive your partner to the doctors?
Are you willing to accept potential infertility?
Are you willing to see a marriage counsellor to help you process the grief and changes together?
Are you willing to see a sex therapist, even if it is super embarrassing and awkward?
Are you willing to deal with your grief?
Are you willing suck up your pride, seek your own support and see a counsellor yourself to help you accept, process and manage your own feelings of loss, disappointment, resentment, anger, bitterness and unfairness?
Are you willing to use your leave to help care for your partner if they need surgery?
Are you willing to watch the person you love the most in this world suffer physical and mental pain?
Are you willing to advocate for your partner when they have lost hope and when no one else will?
Are you willing to learn about the illness with your partner?
Are you willing to do ask your friends and family for support?
Are you willing to try new activities, ones that you can do together, things you wouldn’t have tried until your options were limited?
Are you going to stick around and choose to love that person every day until ‘death do us part,’ even if you hate the illness?
It is true that you never know how you will react in a situation until you’re in it. But if you can’t answer yes to many of these questions, maybe it’s something to think about.